Currently, my office time is evenly divided between home and the two independent coffee shops near our house. The farther of the two is a friendly, crunchy little java-joint with excellent drinks, frequent Bob Dylan tracks and a proprietor who smiles when you walk in the door. They've even invented a mixture of condensed milk and espresso which is so delightfully sweet that since first tasting it last week I've found my normal formula of matching sugar packets with ounces of coffee to be downright bland. The atmosphere is friendly, the internet fast, and apart from a few pieces of uncomfortable furniture in the back, it's a delightful place to spend your day. The problem is, unless you arrive at six in the morning, you'll find forty-five other people with the same idea, and have to resort to bathroom seating for a place to put your laptop. (Which is less than ideal, as neither of the bathrooms feature natural light or a sturdy side-table.) The second, closer, option could not be more different. Inside the UMN campus, it is run by horrible ogres who hate humans, never smile, and whose only distantly service-related talent is an ability to cajole their aged cappuccino machine in to secreting a pale, milky fluid that even Dunkin' Donuts wouldn't identify as safe, and that I personally know to be poisonous. It is a war against the coffee-drinker. I would not be surprised to learn that their free time is spent putting razor blades in breakfast muffins or scratching dandruff in to the sugar packets. It was a hot day a couple weeks ago when I first wandered in, looking for something cold and caffeinated. The place was totally empty, and I would have thought it to be closed, were it not for the lights and blaring music. After a minute or two of making loud noises around the cash register, a sullen looking ogre appeared from the back wearing goth-ish eye makeup and a smock. She lumbered up to the cash register and, maintaining a constant nasty-glare-look, growled "You want coffee." It was closer to an order than a question, so I tried initiating some given-and-take. "Well, I was wondering what the 'Caffeine Shake' was like." I asked, "Is it like a milkshake?" It occurred to me, as she stood staring at my mouth as though I'd just spat tobacco juice on her clean cups, that perhaps she was hard of hearing, and I'd really just been very insensitive by speaking without hand signals. But no, she was just trying to gauge how dumb she could make me look with no one around to point and laugh. "It's ... a SHAKE." she finally growled, beginning to work up a good head of indignation, "I mean, don't know what else to even say, I mean, it would have said MILK SHAKE if it was a milkshake. I mean, It has CAFFEINE in it. That's why it's call CAFFEINE SHAKE." She paused for a moment - I could she was trying to think of other ways I had just asked a dumb question - so I interrupted and said I'd like one. It was iced coffee. Nothing beats a potent combination of unfriendliness and ineptitude. This formula is applied to every customer who makes the mistake of coming in, and it is a boggling thing to see at 7am, when real energy has to be put forward towards being a cold, unfriendly turd. I've seen one of them yell at an old lady before eight in the morning because she hadn't 'cleared her table properly'. I've seen red-eyed medical students refused service because they have a difficult time choosing between coffee or tea, and - my personal favorite - I've seen one of them tell a customer to 'hold it' when asked where they might find a public bathroom. These people make sport out of being horrid. Which, incidentally, makes it a fantastic place to work. If can I trick them in to selling me some coffee before they have time think up a good reason not to (no questions, use exact change and maintain eye contact while saying "Thank you") then the rest of the day can be spent in relative isolation, getting work done and sitting back to watch the occasional customer wander in and be barked at; which, when it isn't you, provides a certain, masochistic kind of entertainment. All around, an excellent setup. The End. Sidenote: If anyone missed giving me a present for my birthday this year, I would like to officially state my desire for one of these or possibly one of these Oh AND Daytrotter updates every day!

Comments

Margherita
Hi Nate! How can I send you a nice file? You have to see it! margherita

Anna
So you came to mpls! Hope my recommendation isn't proving wrong. Is the good one Overflow? That's one of my favorites, but always packed. I'm intrigued to know which of the many coffeeshops is the horrible one you're referring to, though I don't really venture to the U just for coffee. If you're looking to branch out across the river, I may have suggestions. Also, if you have a burning need to speak really broken italian with someone, let me know. Enjoy the cities!